HoHoHo, tis’ the season of love, joy, compassion and consumerism and we were going to write you a heartfelt piece about humanitarian efforts across the Middle East. However, in the spirit of the season we abandoned that story in favor of a more sensational one. Just last week we were digging through the metaphorical garbage bin of the internet and discovered that one of Santa’s less responsible elves let some names from the ‘Big List’ leak. So now while he’s in “Giving Information Frequently Training” (G.I.F.T), we’re bringing you the juiciest and most surprising Naughty and Nice professors of Bryan College. Without any further giftwrap or fruitcake, here it is:
The Naughty and Nice of Bryan’s Professors
Mr. Michael Palmer
NAUGHTY: Palmer was on the Nice List for pushing all his midterms back to Christmas but was relocated for a consistent lack of posted grades, not to mention constantly sending in his Wish List to Santa in January.
Dr. Clark Rose
NAUGHTY: Dr. Rose earned his spot on the Naughty List due to the sheer number of people who self-diagnose themselves with mental disorders in his lower division psych classes. Upper division psych classes were excluded from consideration, since that is arguably a mental disorder on its own.
Dr. Jud Davis
NICE: Dr. Davis is notable for ranking highly on the Nice List for the last 40 years, almost as if he was predestined to be there. Year after year he has also convinced students at Bryan that they too are on a universal, immutable “nice list.”
NAUGHTY: Rickets has been a long time Naughty Lister for contributing to insomnia for the majority of his students. We’ve also been tracking a campus wide irrational fear of links that we believe is attributable to him.
Dr. Paul Boling
NAUGHTY: Dr. Boling was a difficult choice. The strong positive points gained by his dashing sense of style were outweighed by his bad habit of terrifying the virgin ears of freshmen by swearing in class.
Dr. Vaughn Cardona
NICE: conducted himself well this year
Mr. Tim Baldi
NAUGHTY: His jokes were Sno good.
Dr. Samuel Youngs
NICE NAUGHTY NICE NAUGHTY NICE: Due to a consistent lack of disclosure of his philosophical positions in class, it is hard to place Dr. Youngs on either the naughty or nice list. However, he has achieved nice status this year by saving record numbers of students from falling into darn-nable heresies. Also notable for being the only Anglican on the American nice list.
Dr. Whit Jones
NAUGHTY: Whit Jones, for the most part, has had exemplary behavior this year. He ended up on the Naughty List for ripping off Santa Claus’ style. On a more minor note, he is also occasionally guilty of appropriating Cajun culture.
NAUGHTY: Schultz’ misadvertised freshman level courses force students to play her reindeer games where Students report feeling trapped in a metaphorical siege of Constantinople sending their grades “down in history”